Blog Index
The journal that this archive was targeting has been deleted. Please update your configuration.
Navigation
Wednesday
Feb102010

Why? Chit Ananda, of course!

I've been in a 5-day Anusara Yoga immersion with John Friend in SF since Monday of this week. The point of an immersion is to take the student deep in the philosophy and principles of the yoga system, a way of traveling so much farther into the heart of the practice than is possible in a 1 1/2- or 2-hour class. For someone like me who loves school, it is a combination of graduate seminar + recess: times when we're seated, gathered around John as he lectures, and times when we're on the mat, embodying through the poses whatever we just learned about. It might just be my very favorite way to spend my time. I'm happy every second, plugged in, present, drinking in the words, radiating out contentment.

It strikes me again this week that the reason why I deeply, deeply love this particular yoga is its Tantric philosophical underpinnings, that it all comes back to chit ananda -- awakening and bliss. Why do yoga? Because this elegant system provides the opportunity to line up the body and, as a consequence, experience awakening. Because it's the best way I can think of to be reminded daily of how we incarnate the limitlessness of space in our limited form, every part of us dusted with the miraculous. Because it reminds me that every moment, every interaction, matters, carries within it the potential to be transformative, to connect us to others and to the universe. And bottom line, let's not lie, because it's fun.

Yeah, fun. Even when a hundred+ people groaned yesterday at 5pm when John said, "1st side, janusirsana, again," we're all still in the room, we paid for the privilege of being instructed, we'll keep coming back simply because it's fun.

And that's what I love the most, that the yoga presents the opportunity to tap inner reserves of happiness every single day, that by sharing yoga with others, we can help others find their own bliss. For me this is utter perfection, to be part of something that celebrates happiness, and to have techniques for hitting, sustaining and expanding this great feeling.

Even when I'm standing still, I'm doing a happy Snoopy dance. Truly, what could be better than that?

Monday
Feb082010

Yoga is where I live

I'm home after Day 1 of the 5-day Immersion with John Friend in SF. Wow! It's hard to know where to even start to describe how fun, how inspiring, how awesome the day was. I am just so glad I'm doing this. Honestly, I wish I could do exactly this every single day!

I have pages and pages of notes from today, of course, and am still processing every thing we heard. If there were more hours in this day, I would re-read my notes, and read the new Immersion Part 1 curriculum that was distributed today - first-time ever that's been handed out! As it is, it's almost 8 and I just polished off dinner, and I'm feeling the virtually-irresistible draw of the couch and cozying-up under a blanket with my husband and watching something funny on tv, then retiring to my book and some ridiculously-great natural sleep.

Aaaaah, what a day. I am so looking forward to tomorrow, to hanging around with my buddies again, to learning more and to practicing for hours and hours. Sheer bliss!

Almost no matter the question, the answer = chit ananda!

Friday
Feb052010

2010 Goal #1, Re-Learn How To Sleep: check!

This is the third morning in a row now that I've awakened from a natural sleep. The first two nights I managed 6 hours at a stretch, last night 7. It's ridiculous how good I feel right now, how awake, how 3-d, how refreshed. Weird, but I swear my brain feels juicy and plump. Man, sleep is so basic and so good.

When I made my list early in January, the very first thing I wrote down, my #1 goal for this year, was to learn how to sleep again on my own. Is it really possible that 36 days into 2010, I'm already there?

I am grateful to Ativan and Ambien for the sleep they gave me in 2009. Without them, I would have been more fried, since the only reason I turned to them for assistance was that I became such a miserable, anxiety-addled insomniac sometime in February-March of 2009. And yeah, last year was challenging so it doesn't surprise me that my anxiety didn't have enough daylight hours to express itself and needed to jump off at 1 or 2 every morning and kick me until dawn. I tried a lot of stuff -- yoga poses before sleep, less coffee (mistake!), more aerobic exercise, Rescue Remedy, breathing exercises, The Power of Now -- before I Uncled and reached for the pills. Those pills got me through a lot.

But I've been giving them up gradually, then cold-turkey, since January 1, and now here we are. I'm free. I'm sleeping!

Yes, this could be hubris, I could be declaring "Mission Accomplished" way ahead of time, but I can't help crowing. That's what sleeping does to a person, to me. I am excited about the day, feeling like I can handle whatever comes.

Oh sleep, you're so dreamy!

Saturday
Jan302010

Inhaling deeply: a little hint of spring in January

This is the first day without rain in a few weeks, I think, the first day in ages I have felt the sun on my face. It's delicious and exhilarating to be outside, to be dry, to catch up with what's been happening while we were hunkered down in the deluge. Everyone I've been in contact with today has been a little giddy, grateful for the break in the weather.

Joe's outside in the garden weeding and straightening, moving borage, pruning roses, I'm inside taking a little moment to reflect on how great today feels. I'm sure it's not just the blue sky that's responsible for this mood - yoga was awesome today and clarified some important things for me. Plus my practice has been feeling really strong lately, like I'm finer-tuning my poses, finally understanding physically what the words carry.

Through the window, I can see Joe's sunlit pate as he moves back and forth between garden beds and the compost, downy hair growing back in, softer than before, but coming in fast and furious, erasing the most telling sign of chemo. Like the bees that are zooming in and out of the hive now, birds singing, Joe, too, is busy enjoying this little hint of springtime, even as we know that winter's got a ways to go before its end.

On a day like this, how not to be excited and exhilarated by the promise of the warmer temperatures to come, the burst that will happen when springtime is here for reals? And for us, after that long darkness of the cancer, how great to breathe this in deeply, hope for the future, delight in what's to come.

XX

Wednesday
Jan272010

Happy Happy Not-Chemo Wednesday!

Today marks three weeks since Joe's final chemo on January 6th. Last night while brushing his teeth, he asked me if I was coming to chemo with him in the morning. I kind of choked, forgot what day it was, felt instantly panicked (shit, how could I forget?) and sad (oh no, not again!), and then just flooded with relief. Yes, that part, for now, is over.

It's so interesting and amazing how quickly we can settle into a routine. Joe started chemo in September, so every 21 days we were back at the Infusion Lounge. He'd feel horrible for a few days, increasingly so with each round, start to feel better, then bam, another chemo - start all over again, our poor little Sisyphus. That whole nasty experience lasted about 4 months, but it felt like it was for always, the new reality.

So, we might have been a little too excited about the final chemo. We clearly forgot how crappy the side effects made Joe feel, and he did, indeed, feel crappy, really crappy, for most of the first two weeks. I had to keep reminding Joe that hey, hang on, chemo had only been 10 days before, or two weeks before, so no wonder he felt like shit. His red blood cell count is still super-low, and restoring that will take a long time, we're told. No remedy but time.

And time without doctors is not something we're going to have for a while, I think. We expected we'd have a few months doctor-free, two months before check-in with the oncologist and the ENT, but that's not to be. Joe has an MRI scheduled on Feb 5th, so they can begin looking more closely at Whatever It Is that remains on his right tonsil. The oncologist said, at Joe's final treatment, that it doesn't look like lymphoma, but they can't tell what it is exactly. If the MRI reveals something suspicious, then they escalate the testing, CT scan then PET scan. It's possible, according to the ENT, that the tonsil could be removed and Whatever would go with it. That would be nice. But we won't know more until after the MRI.

No matter what, it's a good Wednesday today. I am so happy, Joe is so happy, that he won't spend 5 hours in a hospital bed while they fill him with poison. No chemo is great. That's something to celebrate!