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Wednesday
Dec092009

Epiphany: now I get why the 9-5 makes me crazy

I've been trying super hard to fit everything in this year, perpetually feeling behind-the-8-ball on various obligations, trying to cram all the things I want and need to be doing into each day and feeling lame when I can't pull it off.

And hating the hell out of my job.

So duh, little drive-time epiphany: I decided to stop trying to figure out why my job bugs me so much, and start instead thinking about how I would rather spend my time. Flipping the question around like this helped me get clear about what's not working for me and why my battle to do it all is a big loser.

Consider how I would prefer to spend each day:

- 1 1/2-2 hours of yoga
- 1 - 2 hours of hiking or otherwise being outside with Jasper
- 1 hour minimum of reading
- 1 1/2 - 2 hours of watching something entertaining (not mandatory)
- 2 hours of writing and thinking
- 1 hour of Home Ec: housekeeping, gardening, beekeeping, gen'l tending

That's a 12-hour day right there. Duh. Ain't no way to do that and keep an 8+ hour a day job.

Time to play the lotto.

Tuesday
Dec082009

Cycle 4, Day 14: Gray Area

Behind today's door on the "Advent to Freedom" calendar that Nancy made for Joe, is a small cartoon of Keith Richards and the words, "ROCK IT!" We are doing our utmost to do just that, rock it, rock this whole cancer bullshit.

Today Joe finally heard from his oncologist about the results of the PET-scan. [I, of course, regret not having been on the call since my insatiable urge to take notes has therefore gone unmet.] Overall, the results are positive. The doctor was pleased.

But there is still Something on Joe's right tonsil. Those who've been following all of the gory details may remember that the first PET-scan, before Joe started chemo, showed spots beyond the big tumor in Joe's abdomen, one of which was on the right tonsil. That stubborn little bastard is apparently still hanging on.

Some good news: Joe will only have 6 rounds of chemo. Had the results of this PET-scan not been this positive, there was a chance of extending to 8 rounds. Joe was really clear that he would cry for two days straight if he wasn't done after 6. So that's some consolation.

And we're hanging on to how positive Dr. Maloney was on the phone to Joe.

But there's that Something.

After the chemo is finished, Joe will see an ENT to explore what's going on. The doctor today mentioned a biopsy.

So it's pretty gray, this zone we're in right now. Not 100% positive, and sure not 100% negative. But gray. And a little scary.

Last time Joe had chemo, the lovely nurse Susan told us how some people really only realize the full horror of what's happening to them when the chemo is over, and then they have something akin to post-traumatic stress disorder. When they aren't preoccupied with the poisoning of chemo, with the side effects and getting through them, then they have to deal with the emotional side of it.

With this news today, I do feel like we're in a different stage, one we didn't fully anticipate. I think we were really expecting 100% good news from the PET-scan. I didn't budget enough reserves for the fear that this latest sorta-news would unleash for me, for the scariness of this gray area.

We're still rocking it (thanks, Nancy, for the daily inspiration and reminders of your love), but god damn, we'll be so glad when this is over with.

Sunday
Nov292009

Bee-donkulous: lessons learned from bugs this year

We've been spending a lot of time in yoga lately talking about the coming close of this year, the opportunities presented by the start of the new year. What's your vision? Who do you want to be? Where have you been this year?

This has been a crazy year for us for sure, more ups and downs than I am prepared to list here (though that list is coming, you have my word), but today's cold honey harvest is really making me think a lot about some of the big lessons I learned from bees this year:

- keeping bees entails managing conditions. The bees will do what bees do naturally - all the beekeeper is really in charge of is ensuring that the conditions are right: that the hive is dry, sizable, cozy enough. The bees do the rest. Honey just happens. This is a lesson we learned a long time ago with compost - that with the right conditions, it's something that just happens. Honey is the same deal. Actually, everything is the same deal. In yoga, when you create the conditions - set up the pose, align yourself in it, feel it -- then grace happens, illumination.

- keeping bees requires getting comfortable with death. We discovered the death of our first hive this week, but long before that we learned that beekeeping involves a little death almost every time you open the hive. Every time we approach the hive, open it up to ensure conditions are good, our intention is to do as little harm as possible, but it's virtually impossible to work the bees without crushing a few unwittingly while moving frames in and out, back and forth. Losing an entire hive (the queen died late in the season, well past when the workers could make a new one) was hard. Opening what was previously a thriving (though not our strongest) hive and hearing quiet, the place empty, was rough. Not long after the queen gave up the ghost, the entire colony died. Boy, have we lived with death this year. Three cancer diagnoses in the last twelve months -- my sister, our Jasper, our Joe. Death is always there: how much grace can we muster when we face it? That's another lesson learned from bees.

- keeping bees means letting go of what you learned from a book or a lecture and really learning through doing. No amount of classroom preparation can really teach you what you need to know - the actual Doing, the experience itself, suiting up, stoking the smoker, repeatedly opening the hive and observing -- builds the life-experience that is the real learning. As our beekeeping teacher said one day while standing in a cloud of bees, "you have to let go of knowing."

- keeping bees involves making errors (sometimes fatal) and recovering. We managed conditions to the best of our amateur ability on Hive #1 - we checked them weekly during the summer, supplemented their food in June when it was clear their stores were empty, reduced the entrance when we were concerned they were not strong enough to withstand the incursions of yellow jackets and other robbers. We watched them and did everything we could think of to keep them strong. But clearly we made errors, mis-read the signs, didn't re-queen in late summer, and now they're dead. And we recover, pouring what we learned into our attentions to the two remaining hives.

- finally, keeping bees allows deep drinking of the nectar of life. The addition of bee hives to our garden has brought us so many gifts. We are still struck dumb by how beautiful they are, how remarkable their society, how perfect their comb, and how tasty the fruit of their labor. Living with bees we sit down more often, stop and watch them as they go about their busy bee-ness, marvel at their labor of love, their ecstatic rolling in pollen. And now with a late, unexpected honey harvest, we are savoring, in the dark of winter, the bright taste of sun and flowers.

I am grateful for so many things this year, but deeply, deeply grateful to these bees, the living, the dead, and those yet to come. Without them I would have missed so much beauty this year, beauty that is literally right in front of my face. With them, I see more and more clearly, on a diet of honey and delight.

Friday
Nov272009

Fanmail for some freecycle

I'm so glad that Joe and I are now living in a time in which everything we were so into ten/fifteen years ago is or is closer to becoming common practice, part of the shared vocabulary: taking our own bags to the market, composting, growing our own food, conserving energy. We would have been crazy for freecycle back in those wild enviro-vegan days of our youth, as we are now, except of course, let's not forget there really wasn't the internet we have now to facilitate it. It's one of the benefits of the recession, I suppose, that people are being creative in this way, looking for ways to save money, which ends up being so much more conservative of resources.

I've been jumping around about freecycle, about the constant stream of emails that come through, people looking for things, people giving away things. So of course I decided to track what found a new home in the North Bay in one 24-hour period this week, in no particular order (although you may imagine that I am longing to categorize and sort it - kids stuff, home stuff, office stuff...):

- fireplace implements (Novato)
- red children's rug from Ikea (Central Marin)
- trike
- melon scented lotion (Greenbrae)
- glass for frame (San Anselmo)
- kid/family board games
- several large bird toys (San Rafael)
- moving boxes/packing paper
- antique freestanding mirror
- 3-ring binders
- magazines
- web camera and microphone
- marble slab
- italian language books
- men's XL shirts and one pair of shorts
- 2 book cases
- shipping boxes, packing peanuts
- wool berber rug
- headrest for auto
- candle gift sets
- 50 pendaflex folders
- Thomas roundhouse (toy)
- Fisher Price roll-arounds Drop & Roar Dinosaur

That is a whole lot of stuff that would otherwise just be sitting in someone's garage, or gone to Goodwill (where who knows what happens to it), or gone to landfill. And it's all free. There are rules about how it works of course, its own particular language. When you have something to give away, the subject line of your email reads, "OFFER [name of thing] (city where you are)." Some of the items on offer require "porch pick-up." When a poster of an item receives responses, they write back to the list that the item is PROMISED, sometimes including in the text of their message how many back-ups they have (i.e., how many other interested parties in case #1 falls through). I love the structure of it all.

I am also intrigued by the things that are posted as WANTED: cowboy boots, dehydrator, espresso machine, treadmill for walking dogs on in the winter when it's cold and dark out. I love that people in this e-group just ask for what they want. Why not? Someone might have one and be willing to give it to you.

We haven't yet posted anything. I did try to get some mason jars but was too late, but am looking around at what we might want to part with, what someone else might be able to use.

And it's all free. That's the best part of all. Free entertainment and free stuff, just running on the honor system and yahoo groups. Find a group in your area at www.freecycle.org. Super, super cool!

Wednesday
Nov252009

Cycle 4, Day 1: here we go!


We are now into the second half of Joe's chemo. I am aware of how ridiculous it is for me to say "we" when it is only Joe's poor body enduring this flood of chemicals, but truly this is a shared experience, not just his, not just his and mine, but also that of everyone we know and love who is along with us on this crazy, unexpected ride.

Today was another amazing experience at Kaiser. I, we, continue to be floored by the quality of the care, by the humor and compassion of the nursing staff. And they're just so much fun it's ridiculous. We spent the first hour of chemo today sitting with our nurse Susan as she regaled us with stories of her repeat visits to Thailand. For eight years she has gone to the same place for a month each year, with her husband and friends, and climbed, dived, snorkeled, eaten and chilled. Between checking Joe's vital signs and making her rounds of other patients, she filled a page in my notebook with her instructions for a perfect visit to West Railay Beach, the places we should eat, where we should stay, what not to miss. It was such a boon to travel with her, via her photos on the web, to a beautiful beach and turquoise water, filling us with longing and excitement for the adventure that we have so handsomely earned in this extremely difficult year.

Joe's regular doctor was gone for the holiday, but his replacement was amazing, stunning us with how much he knew about music, about cycling. He managed to build an almost instantaneous bond of trust with Joe by making these very subtle references (Pyrenees, criteriums, funky bass), to the point where I believe he has supplanted the original doctor in our affections. Honestly, these medical professionals caring for Joe model the very best treatment you could dream of. How great is that?

And of course, I can't let this moment go without mentioning how grateful I am to Kaiser in general. That for the amount deducted from my check pre-tax each month to cover my little family, I am able to walk out of the pharmacy with a shot valued at $3,721 for just $30. Following a specialized course of lymphoma chemo that is probably valued at close to $12K for just $40. I have loved Kaiser's clever "Thrive" ad campaign (can't not love something with Allison Janney as narrator), but honestly the receipt for the shot is all the ad they really need. Get quality, loving care for a price that won't put you in the street when the stress of having a life-threatening illness is bad enough. I know that's no tag-line, but it sure rings true to me. To us.

It's with a very full heart that I watch my bald husband drowsily watch tv this afternoon, so so grateful for everything that is promoting his recovery from this crap. Big, big thank you to our nurses, to our doctors, to our family and to our friends. The finish line is in sight.