system reboot

Man oh man, the last few months have just been such a bitch.  I know I'm not alone in this.  I was just talking to a friend last night, stumbling into tap class on a Thursday night; she was totally psyched to be there, naturally, but had just been trying to read in her car beforehand and repeatedly falling asleep. 

Sure, we're old, but not THAT old.

For myself, I know it's kind of this cumulative slow burn-drain of being on death-watch for my sister Carla.  It may sound awful to say it that way, but every day is spent in this years-long waiting.  Waiting for some change. Waiting for some contact. Waiting for peace.

It's crazy what you can get used to.

Yesterday I was talking with my mother following another in the progression of increasingly sad, horrible texts from my brother-in-law about how Carla is doing.  The texts are all sad, brief and incomplete, and they're pretty much all we get so we've grown content with the dribble of information we have.  Still, yesterday, I was sitting in the sun, talking to my mother about it, and she said:

It's a beautiful day and someone we love is dying.

So true, right? Every day is a beautiful day, someone somebody loves is always dying. Which is the bitch of it all. We're still living in heaven right now, all the time, at every moment, but sometimes sustaining that complexity of vision grows taxing. It's probably why I'm feeling so drained right now.

No concidence that yesterday I also made what was probs a spur-of-the-moment decision.  The decision itself, and the process, were not out of character, but the swiftness of my resolve surprised me for about a minute.

I'm starting a three-day Urban Remedy cleanse tomorrow.

Look, I don't know what it'll do for me.  Retraction: I do know in part what it'll do for me -- I'll be a little out of it, obsessed with eating, with when I can have my next numbered bottle of juice. I'll feel lighter and cleaner, like I've had an all-body cleaning and a protracted nutritional confession.  That part is known.

But what I'm looking forward to is what I can't anticipate.  

What will the re-set, this much-needed system reboot, bring me?  Wait and see.

If nothing else, I tell myself, it'll be an experience.  It'll be something to feel, to tell a story about one way or the other.  It could be -- or might not be -- the start of something.  It could just be the distraction from this undercurrent of worry that I need. It'll be something, I just don't know what yet.  And that's good.

Check this space. I'll be recording my impressions, telling the little story of my three-day experience.

It's another beautiful day and my sister is still dying. And over 72 hours, starting Saturday morning, something else will be happening, too, as I down my 18 numbered bottles of sustenance.

Wait and see.  Wait and see.

XX

Comments

[Cyndi]

This is yet another revelatory entry for me. I am struggling with the feeling that "my stuff" and "your stuff" are unequal, with yours winning out because death trumps everything. More than anything, I want to help you with your stuff. But my stuff, the stuff that makes me fall asleep while reading in the car before tap class, is coming from that same undercurrent of worry. My job, my daughter and future grandchild, the state of my friendships, my son's bad eating habits and tendency to over worry (where did he get that from?), finances (how will I ever be able to retire?) and yes, unfortunately, the fallout of ending a 10-year relationship all collude to create a bone-weariness that is with me every day. I know we'll both come through this time of our lives as stronger beings. What helps me immensely NOW is this blog because you get it, and you are talking to me. And that gives me hope.