BOOM: clearing the way

credit: science.howstuffworks.com

I might have just laid a bomb under the tidy little edifice of my life. Of my life as I know it. Of the 9-to-5 part of my life that has gone on and on and on. That part may be over. I might have just blown up my security, detonated all the things I’ve worked for. It could all be laying in shambles shortly. It’s possible.

What I know for sure?

I quit my job and I like it.

It’s a bit mad, really. Mad. But there came a point where I had to make a choice, once I realized that I couldn’t reconcile anymore, couldn’t fix, couldn’t make work: either this or that. Either this paycheck or that possibility, either this known-evil or that risk, either this misery or that potential happiness.

Possibility, risk, happiness: they won.

And I’m so relieved this morning, so relieved. I feel physically so much lighter, all from the lifting of a burden that was made purely of thoughts, dark ones, frustrated ones. I told the truth yesterday, my own, or as much of it as could be told without stirring things up, generating some tornado I don’t want to deal with. Done with that now. Ready to move on.

What’s next?

Well, I’m not exactly sure about that. Yes, I do have resumes out and am looking into things and trying to line up paid work.

And then there’s this other part of me that wonders: what if?

What if there really is a way to do all of this differently? What if I really could make a living from what I love and be done with what I don’t? Wouldn’t that be amazing?

There may come a time when I regret this, when I look back at this exploded construct, the bits too small to be put back together, and mourn and rue and grieve. That’ll be the fear talking, I imagine.

Sure, it’s risky, but I’m so glad. I feel so much better for having taking this stand for Me, for saying Fuck No to what was making me miserable on a daily basis and Fuck Yes to the unknown.

I am T minus three weeks at the moment. Three weeks that I will get through with all the grace I can muster, staying positive, keeping it professional til the last time I walk out that particular door.

Glad, oh so glad!

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