I overslept the alarm on my wristwatch today, this funny plastic watch with all these features whose sole purpose really is just to get me out of bed super-duper early in the morning. I heard the first set of beeps at 4:30 and pushed the off button, meaning that I disabled the little 5-minutes-later reminder and opened my eyes again just before 5. Still early, but not my favored Fuck Yeah Early-Early wake-up time...
I'm up now, but not my usual happy squirrel self. I'm still chattering and typing furiously, but not as bright-eyed, not as bushy-tailed as I could be. As I'd like to be.
And this dullness means only one thing: while I may be persevering, beady-black squirrel eyes trained on writing, reading, and all that other jazz I wrote about yesterday, all those goals for 2012, I'm forgetting something.
I'm forgetting to sleep.
Oops.
All of this -- the getting up early, the being productive in the wee hours -- all of that hinges on getting enough sleep. And sleeping is something I'm not so great at.
Two years ago I had to retrain myself to sleep. My anxiety and insomnia were so bad then -- and who could blame me, in 2010, after a year of cancer in our friend Alex, my sister, our Jasper, then Joe, if I felt just a smidge too freaked out to sleep -- that it honestly was my Goal #1 for that year to re-learn how to sleep through the night. To get enough rest. To be able to close my eyes and snooze without Ambien or any other crutch.
Last year, 2011, we launched a new initiative around here, to get to bed by 9:30, to support our shared need to get up early. That was before I even started with the aforementiond FYEE wake-up time, when we both just got up at 5:30, which is, for most people, quite early enough. The getting to bed early is essential, really, when you're committed to early-bird ways, when you have a ton you want to get done before punching the clock at your job or your business, whether it's putting in 60 miles with your team or blogging and hiking with your dog. And anyway, I love the early morning. When Joe suggested that perhaps he get up at 4:30, too, I bristled a bit. I love the early morning with some alone time in it.
The getting-to-bed-early deal is genius. It works because we're both devoted to it, in support of our next-day routine. It especially works because Joe has a tendency to fall asleep in front of the tv by 8:30. Getting to bed by 9:30 means I can still squeeze in some reading time, book propped open on a pillow on my chest, while Joe and Mr Burns snooze by my side. A little night time with some alone time in it. Perfect!
The problem right now is that my herniated disc, and associated nerve pain, is not with the program. That sucker makes it so hard to sleep at night. Finding a comfortable position is more and more impossible, even as I wait for the prednisone they've put me on to take effect, to reduce the inflammation, to bring me some much-craved comfort. In two weeks or so I will have an epidural, which promises to erase the pain, but we'll see. I've been here before. In 1998 I herniated a disc, tried everything with no success -- including epidurals -- until surgery fixed me up. I'd love to avoid surgery this time, but am not eliminating any options. All I want is to get better.
All I want in the meantime is to sleep.
I'm just not sure that sleeping at night is going to get me the rest that I need. Being supine for hours is Not My Favorite right now, so I suppose shorter naps would be ideal. And that, my friends, is well nigh impossible for someone with my disposition (it's daytime, go go GO!) and my job.
So I'm feeling a little stuck: committed to all my plans and a little tired today, bushy tail a little droopy, less pop in my figurative jumps. And marveling a bit at my response, two months ago when I first saw the doctor about this pain. She looked up from the computer monitor and asked me, "Do you need some time off work?" Without even thinking, I answered, "Oh no, I couldn't take time off work." But that's probably just the rest I needed then, with a doctor's note to back it up, and what I truly need now: the being-home all day, with the access to afternoon napping. I am absolutely the worst at resting and need a little impetus to work on that.
Resting. And of course, 'cause that's how things work, there's a whole section in Martha Beck's book about resting, about how important it is to Rest until you feel like playing, then play until you feel like resting. Never do anything else. Basically, if you're doing Your Thing, the thing you're meant to do, then there is no work: there is only play, alternating with rest. It looks like this:
Seriously, I need some rest. I'm trying to figure out how to get it, with all of the insane unrelenting deadlines at my job and the way I generally feel like I can never miss even an hour. Holidays like this past Monday (Presidents Day) are a mixed bag -- the result being that in exchange for a three-day weekend, five days of work get to be completed in just four days. It's pretty insane. And it means that I never feel like I can take time away. Ever.
But something's got to give. I am going to need to figure out how to get some sleep, work in some rest, or this whole infinity loop of play + job and not enough rest is going to put this squirrel down. I'm unwilling to stop working toward my personal goals, so I have to keep this FYEE wake-up time and all of the hours of creativity it allows me. The lottery is not a financial plan, so I'm feeling kind of stuck.
And super-tired.
This squirrel needs sleep. Any ideas on how I go from where I am now -- go, go, GO -- to this?
Wednesday, July 18, 2012 at 09:40AM 
Everything I read this morning seems to overlap the last thing I read, somehow magically picking up a thread that was in the first piece and carrying it through the second, and then from the second into the third. Like a funny little echo effect, this thematic refrain sets the tone for the day, becomes a lens through which I go looking for the next bit of the pattern to emerge.