Om namah shivaya gurave: keeping the song

credit: www.laasya.orgFor whatever reason, walking along the ridge above my neighborhood this morning under a brilliant blue autumn sky, I started to sing the Anusara yoga invocation. One foot in front of the other on the dusty trail, sun on my face and singing.

The words, though I sang them thousands of times, solo and in groups for years and years, the words came back a bit haltingly, a bit stiff.

It’s been a long time, a year and a half, since I sang them last.

It’s been since the whole thing blew up in February 2012. We sing different songs now.

This morning I sang that old chant aloud without thinking, up there on the ridge just me and my dog, letting one word follow the next, remembering the rhythm, all four lines.

Om Namah Shivaya Gurave

Saccidananda Murtaye

Nisprapancaya Shantaya

Niralambaya Tejase

And then I sang them again.

This time I remembered the translation, the meaning of the sounds as I learned them, and how familiar they used to be as a signal, marking a reunion and a starting point.

I offer myself to the Light, the Auspicious One, Who is the True Teacher within and without,

Who assumes the forms of Reality, Consciousness and Bliss,

Who is never absent and is full of peace,

Independent in existence, the vital essence of illumination.

Probably I started singing because I was looking across at Mt Tam, and remembering the photo I’d seen just that morning of two beloved yoga friends of mine hiking there, on the mountain, the day before. Two people I never would have met, had it not been for yoga, two people I wouldn’t have this enduring bond with, had it not been for Anusara yoga in particular.

I thought about their two smiling faces in the photo, two people I love, and the chant just came out, five or six times. And each time I was filled with that feeling I used to get, how special and fun it used to feel, especially at the big classes, when we were hundreds of yogis, mats close together, all those voices joined together in that chant, one.

Oh, how wonderful that all was.

In the quiet after the chant this morning, now just the sound of my own feet and my breath and the dog’s, I thought about all of the great experiences I had through Anusara yoga, all the great friendships, all the great retreats, the workshops, the classes, the time spent on the mat, with a community, with myself. For years, it was so good. It was my yoga. It was my people.

And then it all fell apart.

That story is widely available elsewhere, so I won’t tell it here. The ugliness of the end has made me sad for so long that I don’t want to talk about the details. Since then I’ve just felt burned, even at my distance from the flames. Where once a glorious edifice stood, just a hole, just an ache.

Today, though, walking along in the sun and singing, it occurred to me that what I want to say now about the whole thing, as weird as it may be, is Thank You.

I know, right? I want to say Thank You.

Yes, the whole thing went straight to hell by the end. I don’t minimize in any way the very real suffering of many people. But also, damn, when it was good, it was really, really good. At its heart, if you could keep clear of the culty, what a deeply joyful and celebratory practice. We worked hard on the mat, we were great, we laughed our asses off. I had some precious, precious times in those days, in those years of being a part of that school, of that style. I had some amazing teachers. I grew.

Singing the familiar words this morning, rusty where I once was practiced, I thought about how much joy they used to bring me, especially when my own voice was added to others’ and we made one happy sound. That was so beautiful. That was so big.

Oh how wonderful is time, especially. After a year and a half, I can remember the good of it all so much better, now that we’ve mostly all moved on, found other yoga-homes, our own voices. I keep the friendships, I keep the lessons.

I keep the song.

XX

Comments

[John Watkins]

Ariane,

That's beautifully put. And you know Abby Tucker has added the second verse back in to what was an ancient upanishadic verse. Chris Tompkins discovered the second verse and published it in 2011, and we've been chanting it in Abby's classes for over a year now. It did not start with Anusara, and its meaning when reunited with the second verse is even more beautiful. Here is Chris' text and the original and translation:

In January 2011 Christopher Tompkins discovered the origin, ritual purpose, and meaning of the Anusara Invocation, as well as the revelation of its lost second verse. The Invocation was found in the Sanskrit text known as the Niralamba Upanishad. The Invocation represents the first verse of a couplet that together ‘celebrate the presence of Universal Consciousness (Shiva) as Being (Sat), Consciousness (Cit), and Bliss (Ananda), which reverberates infinitely as the heart of all beings.’ Christopher’s findings also elicited tantric parallels, providing overwhelming evidence of the Invocation’s Tantric Origins. These two verses together are referred to as the Niralamba Invocation:

auṃ namaḥ śivāya gurave saccidānanda mūrtaye |

niṣprapañcāya śāntāya nirālambāya tejase || 1 ||

“AUṂ! We give praise to Śiva, the teacher, the embodiment of being,

consciousness, and bliss, the changeless one who embodies

quiescence, the supportless one who is the scintillating light [of the

Universe].” –verse 1. (Anusara Invocation)

nirālambaṃ samāśritya sālambaṃ vijahāti yaḥ |

sa saṃnyāsī ca yogī ca kaivalyaṃ padam aśnute || 2 ||

“The Saṃnyāsī, the Yogī, is one who lets go of all supports and takes

refuge in the Supportless One, [through which he/she] attains the

sovereign state of absolute Freedom.” –verse 2. (forgotten for centuries)

John

[Truth]

You cannot "keep clear of the culty." You couldn't then. You can't now.

And that's the whole point. You don't get light without shadow.

Whatever joy you got from Anusara was tainted by the pernicious influence of a cult. And you don't get to celebrate the fruits without acknowledging and condemning the poison tree.

[Grace]

With respect for remembering the good times and the pain that came with the AY implosion, I must submit the following:

When you're in a cult? It's not possible to "keep clear of the culty".