perfectionism is poison

credit:Lori MyersWhat I'm about to share is far from an original thought. Certainly I'm not the first, nor will I be the last or even the best, to say that perfectionism is a scourge. That the sooner we put off perfectionism, the better.

I think what I've been learning, daily, for a couple of years now is that

Perfectionism is poison.

It's hard, right? I like doing a good job. I like doing a great job. But I realized long ago that perfection isn't all it's cracked up to be. I think I started learning this lesson when I was a single parent and realized that instead of furiously cleaning the house to perfection when my infant son was sleeping, I too should roll off to sleep.

That lesson didn't come easy.

No, not easy at all. I've been working on this one for ages. Ask my husband, and he'll tell you that for a good chunk of our over 20 years together, having people over would put me into a state of manic cleaning and stress. There would inevitably be some stupid argument, me barking instructions most likely, him wondering what the hell my problem was.

Uh, perfection was my problem.

Or actually, perfection was the 20-ton shield I carried around to mask my problem, according to Brené  Brown. My real problem was a feeling of shame, always worried that my place wasn't good enough, nice enough, neat enough, together enough. And by my place, naturally, I mean me.

With the housework, I let this go a couple of years ago, at the same time that I was able to find the money to have someone come in and clean for me every other week. Honestly, that was a total liberation, one of the best things I ever did for me. 

Also, I tried to remember one of my heroines, Mary Poppins. She was, in her own words, practically perfect in every way. Note: practically.

But I still kept traces of the perfectionism in my work. Which makes sense, given that I work largely in numbers.

It took having a boss for two years who would overlook every other good thing I had done, every other contribution, and beat me up for a penny variance, her eye going straight there on the occasions when it happened, the error pointed out first before anything else. And yes, while I didn't want a variance of any kind,of  a penny or more, still being on the receiving end of that was a powerful lesson.

If I hated it when someone else did this to me, when I felt so totally deflated and demoralized by it, why on earth would I continue to do it to myself?

I confront perfectionism on a daily basis. I work in an environment that is infused with it. Making a mistake is this horror, this scandal. There is no room for error. Which seems a little crazy to me, honestly, since I think learning is a series of errors, trying, failing, practicing. If the stakes are so high -- you have to get it right the first time or else -- then it doesn't feel like there's really room to learn. It's just all clenched muscles all the time up on the high-wire without a net. If you falter, then you die.

I observe it and I know how messed-up it is. I refuse to ride along, driven by perfection, with shame riding shotgun and fear backseat-driving, as Brené says.

Ech, such poison. Who needs it? It's so much sweeter to appreciate the imperfection, which is what makes us who we really are. It's a much sweeter ride, really, windows down, free.

XX

Comments

[Sarah Fay]

Thank you!

[Keith]

Hi Ariane, great post! Perfection is a theme that I also have to deal with on a daily basis. I'm an architect and perfection is expected, of course the expectation is often my own! I find it difficult to find the balance between "not quite good enough", "good enough" and "perfect". Often "perfect" is unrealistic and "good enough" would be fine.
I actually mentioned extreme perfection in Switzerland on my latest blog post.
Keep up the good writing!