The One and Only Benefit of Migraine

I hesitate to even write this, knowing how many chronic migraineurs there are out there for whom there is Not One Single Benefit to this crippling condition.  

Sisters and Brothers: I do not minimize your pain.

I count myself pretty damn lucky, indeed, that for me, although they have been more frequent and crippling in the past, migraines are now only a once-monthly problem, sometimes really bad, mostly survivable, depending on what drugs I have access to.  Generally I am able to just swallow something that dulls the pain and keep on keepin' on, go to work, Get Shit Done.

Today is not that day.

Today I am home, a little woozy from pills taken, tired from the pain that woke me up at 4 after hanging around the edges of my skull for hours prior.

Today I am sitting around, all my usual sharpness gone, and doing my usual Pollyanna thing, thinking about the one and only benefit I derive from migraines:

They make me stop.  Full stop.

It couldn't be a more gorgeous day out, and since everything is dialed down for me, I can stand around outside and stare like a lunatic into the poppies, open today in Box 1.  I can stand there, hazy-brained and unambitious, and watch pollen-covered bees perform their ecstatic rolls.  I can stare. And I can NOT immediately launch into action, into weeding, picking up, arranging, fixing, planning.  Just stare. I can pick up a book for a few minutes, then set it aside, not convinced that the words can penetrate the dull hum of my head.  Stare.

I can do the simple math of calculating when will be the next dose. 

But more than that? Not so much.

It's a relief in a way. OK, I'd prefer it without the pain, but in a way, yes, it's a relief. It's as if my brain just can't take any more input and needs the power-down.  Insists on the shut-down.  I'm still thinking, but more slowly.

I think about how the break reminds me of how much I belong here. How much I crave being here, home, all the time.

Periodically I think about the connection (is there one) between introversion and migraine. About how I have been feeling completely ragged and over-stimulated, not quite adjusted to the open-office lay-out of of my new job, not quite having had enough home-time for the past two weekends.

My brain takes what it needs.

I know I'm a ridiculous Pollyanna, so this is no exception.  But I'm almost grateful, really, for this forced halt in the incessant marching of my mind. 

I feel a little bit useless, which is just fine. I don't mind sitting out, taking a breather (and possibly a nap), while the rest of you, and the bees, keep up your busy business. 

I'm out. It's good.

XX