the Magical Neighborhood of Pain Relief

When you have chronic pain and you need drugs, you learn early on that there’s a balance to be struck between complaining just enough and demanding. 

"Wait," my doctor said. "You mean you haven’t been to the pain clinic in Neurology yet?”

“No,” I answered. “I called earlier today and they told me I needed to see you about the two momentary losses of vision this afternoon and for a referral. That’s why I’m here now.”

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The One and Only Benefit of Migraine

I hesitate to even write this, knowing how many chronic migraineurs there are out there for whom there is Not One Single Benefit to this crippling condition.  

Sisters and Brothers: I do not minimize your pain.

I count myself pretty damn lucky, indeed, that for me, although they have been more frequent and crippling in the past, migraines are now only a once-monthly problem, sometimes really bad, mostly survivable, depending on what drugs I have access to.  Generally I am able to just swallow something that dulls the pain and keep on keepin' on, go to work, Get Shit Done.

Today is not that day.

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Days without Incident: -5

I'm going on Day 5 of this migraine.  As I started writing this morning and got to thinking about how blog posts are always more attractive when they have pictures, the image that came to mind as appropriate for this particular subject was lightning, as at left -- big, sharp, dramatic, multiple.  [For more insane photos of lightning, check out lightningsmiths.com.  So cool and crazy!]

This migraine has been with me since Monday night, just before I picked up re-fills.  I've been dosing and trying to stay ahead of the pain ever since.  I thought perhaps I had it kicked last night, but no, the jabbing behind my left eye was my first sensation this morning.  Boo.  So not my favorite.

Migraines always make me think about my choices, about the Why.  I don't blame myself for them, which I used to do, although of course I am aware that if I were perhaps a bit more hydrated and a bit better slept, I might escape them.  I might.

As I move through my day, tending to the regular tasks despite the migraine, it entertains me to consider the headache from the perspective of the mahābhūtas, the five elements (space, earth, water, fire and air), which were the theme of classes with Laura in May.   If I am a little microcosm, containing all of the elements within my tiny elegant form [Sing it with me: "I'm a little microcosm, short and stout...."], then really it does make sense for me to undergo these periodic climatic events.  Somehow that's comforting.

The migraines definitely represent a collision between my desires and my physical capacity, are my brain's way of communicating that its needs for stasis, for rest, for water are being unmet.  Sorry, cerebellum!

How sweet it would be to take the opportunity of this skull-crusher to stay home and stare at the hydrangea in the garden which, right now, as the 8am sun hits it, is the most dazzling shade of deep pink.  How nice it would be to be still, not talk, not work, just repose in the quiet of this summer morning.  It would be nice to give in to the demands of my cranium and sit my ass down.

It would.

But with 7 1/2 work-days to go before Bali, Brain is just going to have to deal.  Can't stop now.  Rest is coming but for now it's back to the grindstone, no matter what.  Even if it's stormy inside, the show must go on.

Serious Sugar Hang-over

A few weeks ago I read an interesting article posted by my friend and neighbor Linda, an interview with Dr. Christiane Northrup on how bad sugar is for women in their 40s.  I am surrounded by people who don't eat sugar, so I've been hearing about this for ages.  Even I think years ago I read a book (Sugar Blues?) about how bad sugar is for you, but I LOVE sugar, so I've held onto it.  Even when we were vegan, I was still a total sugar-head.  Still, I gave the interview a read, then another read, and then decided to stop eating sugar.  If Dr. Northrup is right -- that eating a lot of sugar causes hormone havoc in women in their 40s, who are experiencing perimenopause; that it's connected to migraines and insomnia, not to mention heart disease, osteoporosis and cancer, and other unpleasant things like hair loss where you want hair, hair growth where you don't -- surely that's worth a try, right?  I also liked something I read in the interview, that fat doesn't make you fat: sugar makes you fat.  Permission to eat butter?  Hmmm.

Keep in mind that ours is a house that generally *always* has cookies in the pantry, if not an open bag of dark chocolate chips.  That I do remember one evening finding Joe up on the stepladder, rifling through one of the top kitchen cabinets looking for chocolate (there was none below in the usual places), finally settling on the most unsatisfactory Baker's bittersweet (which nothing can make palatable, believe me).  That the other night I got a one-word text from the kid while I was in yoga: "Cookies?"  And being the person I am, of course I stopped at the market on my way home and picked some up.

I gave up eating sugar about two weeks ago.  It was easy.  It was actually not a problem.  I do remember feeling clearer in the mornings, and definitely felt steadier throughout the day -- no highs and lows.  No problem not participating in the afternoon sugar-fest at the office.  As luck would have it, we had a potluck lunch at work and I drew dessert.  I brought strawberries.  Really.  Next I'll be handing out raisins on Halloween, right?  But those strawberries were delicious.  I had no interest whatsoever in the lemon tart, the brownies, the other sugary delights loaded on the conference room table.

That's so weird for me.  It usually doesn't feel like a party for me unless there's chocolate, but here I was eating strawberries and feeling fine, not missing out, feeling good in fact.

Until this morning.  Yes, this weekend was the big graduation of the boy.  I had a small piece of cake at the post-graduation reception, and a bigger piece of chocolate cake last night after dinner at home.  And this morning I feel like utter shit.  I'm not kidding: I feel completely hung-over, super-fuzzy, tired, listless.  I got plenty of sleep and there is no other reason I can think of for this feeling.  The only difference between yesterday and the 13 days before, is the sugar intake.

So I'm climbing back on the wagon, to see what happens next.  I could have another piece of cake, see if the sugar picks me up, but honestly I have no interest.  I'd rather crawl into bed and sleep this off, give in to how fuzzy I feel. I miss my old friend Sugar, kind of rue losing that life-long relationship, but not enough to go through this again any time soon.

Pranayama and Percocet

My Goal #2 for this gear is to reduce the frequency of migraines I experience. Sometime in my 30s I started with migraines, and last year they really became an utter plague. Seems every time I turned around, I had another. And it's so weird that someone, me, who does so much yoga (presumably relaxing, self-caring) still couldn't get a leg-up on this regular skull-crushing. So in December I picked up and devoured an excellent book, "The Migraine Brain" by Dr. Carolyn Bernstein. Seriously helpful. At the same time, though, I have to say that mostly I am straddling two very different worlds: the woo-woo world of yoga with all its ayurvedic, new age-y, homeopathic trappings, and the world of pharma, which seriously saves my ass over and over again, making it possible for me to get through a work-day or a weekend or whatever without losing a beat.

Because that's the thing about me: I don't want to be stopped by anything, least of all by a migraine. So even if my head is killing me, I'll swallow whatever I have to to just keep going, do what I want, not miss out. Life doesn't stop just because the walls of my cranium are pressing in hard. I refuse to sit out. I will not spend four days in bed just because my head hurts.

And that's how I found myself, last weekend, a beautiful weekend in Tahoe with my yoga buddies and 3 hours a day of practice, swallowing percocets just to be able to sit upright on my mat and not fall over in pain. Don't get me wrong: I hate taking pills, but sometimes I really feel like I have no other option if I want to live my life the way I want to. [Sorry, that's a bit of a lie: I don't really hate taking pills, I just hate taking them when I *have* to. If it were for fun, then I wouldn't mind so much. Just didn't want to lie.]

Since January, I've had two four-day migraines. And that's an improvement! The first (January) started the night before my birthday and lasted throughout the long weekend, the last woke me up last Friday, the morning we were leaving for Tahoe, and lingered through the end of Monday. I was triumphant not to have one in February, particularly because I was really paying attention and knew exactly why.

According to "The Migraine Brain," migraines are "a complex neurological disease," "a chronic neurological illness you were born with." The migraine brain is "high-maintenance, hypersensitive, demanding and overly excitable. It usually insists that everything in its environment remain stable and even-keeled. It can respond angrily to anything it isn't accustomed to or doesn't like." And clearly what my poor little migraine brain doesn't like is stress at work, hormones, sleeplessness, dehydration and excess caffeine. Throw the altitude of going to Tahoe into the mix, and last weekend's four-day migraine is inevitable! If I managed to escape a migraine in February, it's because during the precise week that I was in most danger of the killer head-pain [the book says 2 days before your period, migraine is 71% more likely to occur], I was super-hydrated, well-slept and on Cloud 9 in a 5-day yoga immersion. Yes, clearly and no-duh, my brain doesn't like my job. I don't blame it!

Now that I'm out of migraine #2 of 2010, two days free from pain and drugs, I am already planning ahead to April and watching for the warning signs that should manifest in about two weeks. I'm hoping next time I can get through it with more pranayama and less percocet, but I don't encourage betting on that.