the real work of raising good people

This post is inspired by Raising My Rainbow: Adventures in Raising a Fabulous, Gender Creative Son, a September 2013 selection of From Left to Write bookclub. As a member I received a copy for review purposes. And I LOVED it.

Long, long ago when my son was a child and I was a new mother learning the ropes, I discovered a self-confidence I never knew I had. It's possible I had never had that confidence in my own thinking and decisions until then, until the occasion presented itself to raise my boy the way I thought was right, in defiance of a lot of the baby books and advice.

And despite what other people thought. And said.

Because people are nothing but vocal about how you're screwing your kid up, when they disagree with your method, when they only know their own way. 

Trying to be helpful (or hiding behind that) they'd say, "careful, you might spoil him," or "you shouldn't pick him up when he cries," or "oh, he has you wrapped around his finger."  All the time wanting to tamp down the love from mother to child, to weaken the bond, so that he could toughen up and be their idea of boy.

I rejected all of that. I rejected the baby books, especially the #1 Bestseller that advised that for my son to grow into a healthy man, at a certain point I had to give him up, send him on his way across a figurative bridge to masculinity with a father figure, because to be a man meant the denial of any mother-feeling in him, carving out the caring. 

Instead I did what I thought was right: I loved that boy with all my might.

And that was the toughest part, finding my own way, sticking to what I thought was best, despite the prevailing "wisdom." That's the truly gut-hard part of parenting. It was lonely, a lot. None of our peers had kids. All of the parents we came into contact with were much older, better funded and generally, until we enrolled the boy in Waldorf School, ideologically alien.

It wasn't until years later -- my son must have been 7 or 8 --  that I found a book that spoke to me about how to raise a good man, that supported my instinctual inclination that love was the answer, not toughness.  That book, The Courage to Raise Good Men, saved me. In the way that it exploded traditional gender definitions, it suited me. I felt less alone, more solid in my knowledge that I was doing the right thing by The Kid.  And in all my two decades+ of motherhood, I've only ever met one other mother who clutched at this book like I did, who found in it both vindication and support.

Whatever we did, it worked: our sons are two of the best people produced on this earth in the last quarter century.

For years, I've given copies of The Courage to Raise Good Men to expectant parents, wanting to share this resource.  Now I'll add Raising My Rainbow -- truly a Must Read, and not just for parents. This book, developed from Lori Duron's blog about life with her gender non-conforming child, is a serious lesson in love.  

While reading the story of CJ and his family, I thought so much about the courage it takes to raise whole people, kind and caring, strong and smart and sweet. About hard it is to make your own way, no matter what your family or other people say, keeping your eye on the ultimate prize: a happy loving person with access to more than pink or blue, with access to the whole rainbow of human possibility.

Big gratitude to the Duron family for sharing their experience, and inspiring and helping so many others with their courage and honesty.  

Check out this 9/3/13 clip from The Today Show. Read more at www.raisingmyrainbow.com. And go buy this book!

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Comments

[ally]

I love anything that speaks to the importance of loving a child with all your heart, I swoon when I read "our sons are two of the best people produced on earth...". What a lovely way to remind us all to love our children and make the entire world available to them. Why hold them back when there is so much to see and do? I loved this!

[Jessica]

"...Love was the answer, not toughness" is the exact approach I aspire to take when I have my own kids. A family friend is such a good mother I sometimes want to go to her house, sit, and take notes as she interacts with her two boys. Somehow, even when she is scolding them, she is making them feel loved. Good for you for also figuring out the importance of parenting in a way that makes your kids feel safe to be themselves.

[Melissa]

Perhaps I would feel differently if I had a boy, but it seems particularly difficult to raise a boy in our society and swim upstream against the pressure to be tough and sporting and "masculine." So glad that there will be some "healthy" men out there in a couple decades!

[Char]

I definitely need to check out that book. I constantly feel as if I am failing my 9 yo son and would love a guide/resource to turn to for help.